Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Royal Jealousy: A whole new shade of green...

I have always known that meeting a real life prince and having him fall hopelessly in love with me was a real possibility. After all, Prince William is close to my age, and he went to that boys campus of Geelong Grammer in the same year as an old friend of mine....

How was I to know that my Blog-Soapie-Star Nemesis and I are actually psychically connected, and all along the royal destiny is actually hers and I have just dreamt it by association.

That's right, her life just keeps getting better. She met a prince, AND HE HIT ON HER!.

But as we all know, my nemesis and I do not have much in common these days.  Apparently the dream has never crossed her mind. At the moment their eyes met, there was no fairy dust or sparkles, and she was content to play hard to get and leave the encounter as nothing but blog fodder. Okay, so it was Harry and not William, but seriously, he's the better pick of the two anyway. Being a Princess forever sounds a lot cuter and more youthful than 'Future Queen', and you get the best of royal life without the pressure. Plus Harry seems to have a lot more freedom in his choices, so Old Lizzy would be less likely to give you the Kate Middleton treatment. But Kate Middleton could be your new best friend!!!!! Oh the JOY!


I can't believe it. She told him she was engaged to be married, leaving him disappointed, but still openly admiring her wares and wiles in a way that remained respectable to her fiance...


I don't care if you're engaged to our generations version of Fabio, John Holmes, JFK, James Dean, or freakin' Justin Bieber in 10  years time, there is no fathomable reason worthy enough to reject the advances of real life royalty.

Mind you, since our last catch up, she has changed jobs twice, and featured as an extra in two movies, one of which she had a 'feature' role as the object of desire in a bikini on a li-lo in a resort pool, and is heading to an exotic location in two months time for her dream wedding surrounded by throngs of international friends and family.

I cannot hide my jealousy this time round, or manipulate my words to sound less envious in any way shape or form. I am struggling to even be happy for her.

But I after this blog post, I resolve to swallow the lump of green stuck in my throat, or hack it up like the big dirty ugly loogie it is (sorry if you're eating). Either way, I will put it far from my mind, and bring my focus back to my own fortunes. I'm not royalty, and I'm not getting married in an exotic location, but I'm not doing too bad.

Right now, I am on an all expenses paid work trip, writing this from the sixth floor of a Melbourne Hotel, complete with views of the Yarra Valley. Sipping on sparkles and munching on some tasty sushi, the kind that's rolled in that caviar stuff.
And I have my own spunky bf waiting for me in a beautiful old (dirty) country farmhouse, where he is googling the ins and outs of hobby farming, and planning a golfing/winery visiting day for this weekend with friends.

Hmmmm, maybe I wouldn't drop everything for Harry......

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Five weeks...

FIVE WEEKS! I've been gone five weeks.

I am tormented by this absence, but not because I’ve neglected my hoards of devoted readers.

My pity is only for myself, for this is not my first offense.

When my life is going smoothly, I get bored. I look for new ways to entertain myself, seeking passion and inspiration in the most abstract of pastimes. I poke and prod through endless whims and wants, and when I find something truly amusing, I immerse myself completely in its pursuit. I spare no expense and profess to the world that I have found my calling. I convince myself it’s what I have wanted to do all along. I am truly shocked when my enthusiasm is not reciprocated and scoff when my friends and family suggest its a passing phase.
But time after time they have been proven correct. When the real world gets busy again, or a new interest arises, I leave my last obsession by the wayside. Sometimes there is no reason for the abandonment, I simply tire of its merits, and crave the simplicity and peace of my once loathed monotonous existence. Whatever the reason, expensive equipment and half finished projects get cast aside, left like trash in the gutter to be swept away with the wind and rain, and never loved again.

Despite all previous failures to find my niche, my quest continued and led me to blogging. This time I was convinced and had sound proof to back my claims. Its the first hobby I have found that shows measurable results without having to wait too long or exert much physical energy. What most appeals is the instant gratification that comes when you hit ‘post’.
Not like gardening, where you toil for weeks only to lose the crop to pests. Or forget to water it.
And certainly not like the pursuit of Zen. My competitive streak ensured any attempt at deep meditation was continuously punctuated with thoughts on my progress compared to the other participants, and whether the master thought I had the most ‘natural talent’ of the group. Destined to fail at that one, but surely not at blogging.

For blogging is truly therapeutic.
To spill out words with no thought to plot, or limitations on content. The freedom to begin with just a thought, and no direction or goal.
From the moment of conception I am amazed. The thought becomes a sentence, and once on paper that sentence takes on a life of its own. The rhythmic flow of the letters appearing one by one draws me in, curious to see which words they will form. The outside world becomes a distant memory. The ink flows into paragraphs and pages until at last the scrape of the pen stops, and I awake from my trance.
Parts of myself previously unmet stare back at me, exposed and perfect in their raw state. The words are a reflection of my being at that very moment, tangible proof of my existence. I am left void of all thought, free from all burdens, but more of myself than before. Exuding sinful pride at my magnificent creation, and loving the wickedness.

But its not over. There is more work to be done. The ink must evolve if it is to become a blog. I must type.
As I pound at the keys the excitement builds. I challenge my fingers to find the keys faster and faster. A race between my hands and my eyes, but I am always the winner and the prize is glorious.
I can now begin the intricate dance of editing:

Cut, paste, rephrase, delete,

Elaborate, punctuate, rephrase,

Cut, elaborate, paste, delete.

Sometimes an entire day will pass, and I will not notice, intently focused on extracting every last drop of potential from these words, until....

Each finished post is a work of art, completely mine. Manipulated, stretched, crushed and floreated to my exact specifications, made only for my pleasure. I am my only critic, therefore every post is a masterpiece, a symphony of my soul.

The sensuality of this experience would surely keep me hooked on blogging, a burning desire to feel that way as often as possible for the rest of time. The joy of the journey overruling my innate laziness. Writing is not laborious, it is intrinsic.

Blogging is surely my niche. But alas, the challenge of life reared its ugly head once more, and I’m sorry to say I faltered. Five weeks between posts. I lost focus and forgot my blogs inherent impact on my well being at the first upheaval in my routine.

I feel like a fool. Like I found a restaurant at the end of my street serving ridiculously low-priced, delicious, nutritious and satisfying meals, sang its praises and introduced all my friends to its delights. Then I walked past it every day to eat McDonald's on my own.

Well I am sorry for what I have missed, but here in this post I have passed the first challenge. I will not regret my absence, nor will I see this as a setback. Nay, it is a victory. I have broken the mould of cast away fancies. I have blogged once more, and once more the fire courses through my veins, burning with bloggy desire.

Fear not dear reader, I will not abandon you again.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Happiness is.....

Sunny mornings on a day off..... Slow cooked Lamb shanks........ Good music..... An addictive novel.... My dog..... A clean house and tidy garden...... Our fish tank..... A wall full of holiday photo memories.....Coloured pencils...... Lime scented fragrant oil.....

A well earned promotion and a much needed payrise....... Giving great customer service just because you can..... Knowing enough about something to have a 'respected opinion'.... Finding success and enjoyment in an 'accidental' career....

Laughing with my bf at our own jokes..... Lunches with my family...... Documentaries.... Inspirational quotes.... Imagination.... Waking up after a vivid dream and feeling like you really lived that experience.....

Learning from mistakes....... Watching the people I love grow and change...... Wallowing in overwhelming sadness when you need to, knowing that it will pass...... Being free to shape my life any way I choose.....

Being truly grateful for my lot in life......

Knowing who I am and who I have the potential to be, and being excited.

I asked the bf what "happiness is" for him. He said knowing he has true friends that he can trust with anything and that the people that really know him think he is great just the way he is.

Being one of those people for him makes me happiest of all.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

The Anti-Climax

I’m worried. I think I may have climaxed too soon.

‘Sustainable Sex’ was really quite popular, and combined with my listing on ‘Blog This’ as a recent member, my traffic flow increased dramatically, my followers jumped to 12 and overall I was feeling rather proud of myself. I started using words like intonation, irascible, and affliction in my everyday life. According to the bf I had become noticeably more big-headed than usual. On one particularly gloat-full day I was told to ‘blog off then, you blogging blogger’.

I didn’t care; it just gave me an excuse to turn my head back to the screen. 12 followers… how exciting. Another few days of endless click-fests finding out who they are and who they know.

But the thrill was short-lived. At some stage during the last week it’s all just become a bit too much for me. I started to fret over my next post, and as a result I’ve ended up with bloggers block. Every time I have tried to write I’ve found an excuse not to.

I never set out to be a funny blogger, but now that people have found me humorous I’m feeling the pressure. What if my next post is dull, and I *gulp* lose a follower!
I couldn’t even post the ’50 things’ list for the Blog This comp. It just didn’t feel it was good enough. So now I sit here with 4 unfinished posts… a 50 things list that will never be read, and two dead fish.

Meanwhile the Blog-Soapie-Star has made friends with the daughter of a very rich & famous man’s daughter and has yet another new career opportunity ahead of her… I guess I spoke too soon, she remains high on her pedestal, while I blog about not being able to blog.

And I didn’t win the Wanderlust Competition.

Woe is me.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Sustainable Sex, FINALLY!

(First and foremost, by sustainable I don't mean long-lasting. Let the record show for the bf's sake I have no complaints in that department.)

(Secondly, for any first time visitors, I don't normally post on sex... please read my other posts too)

Have you ever stumbled across something that just makes your day, week and year all at once because of its greatness?

A recent click fest landed me on Batcrap Crazy, where a button labelled Good Vibrations caught my eye. Hmmmm. Whats this now?

(Let it also be known that I don't usually scour the web for sex sites....I'd had a long weekend, house full of people, not much 'action'. My curiosity got the better of me.)

Quick glance over shoulder... no one in room... click.
Page loading... mouse hovering in the top right corner for quick getaway... phew. Its not a porn site. In fact, its a ‘mommy blog’, complete with cute monkeys in the header.

For a brief second I felt bitter disappointment that this Good Vibrations had nothing to do with the kind of vibrations I thought it did.... Oh wait, yes it does.
Alexis on Mom2mycrazy2 has reviewed an Aqua Rabbit and as a result has one to give away. Its one of those weird looking ones that confuses me because it has a cutesy name and looks like it's alive. Do I pat it and feed it first or is it okay to just take advantage like that? Does the bunny cry if you put him back in the box straight away? Does he want to have a tea party with the other toys in my house?
(I also felt a bit weird looking at sex toys on a mommy blog, but this mommy clearly knows how to get her ‘me’ time. The ‘Aqua Rabbit’ was apparently trialed by a ‘good friend’. Sure, that's about as believable as when the bf says he doesn’t watch porn.)

I figured it was my duty to try and win the rabbit to give him a good home, kind of like an RSPCA mission. I'd even let him play in the garden every now and then. I followed the instructions to enter and landed on the Good Vibes website.
Now I’m not a fan of shamelessly flogging products in blogs, nor am I writing this to win the competition, I’m not even sure I’m eligible being in Australia. What I found has changed my life.

Screw the bunny, I really truly found something amazing that I must share...

The Ecorotic™ Green Sex Toy range

Featuring wonders such as Vegan Condoms (plain or flavoured) which I assume are for those of you who eat your condoms after use(?), Rechargeable Vibrators, Organic Lubricants and Massage Oils, including something called ‘Vulva Balm’ (wtf?).
Fore the more adventurous hippy, you can purchase a 'Pony Harness' or some 'Cherry Bombin Restraints'. I have no idea what either of those are, but don't they sound like fun?

Now I know there are hundreds of you out there who have been abstaining in order to reduce your carbon emissions and I have found the answer. With or without a partner you can now get your rocks off guilt free!

So get out your plastic, ladies, and join me in lubing up to save the planet.


Have fun green friends :)

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Best Ever Chicken Pie

Okay, you asked for it.
I have thought long and hard about this, and a big part of me wants to keep this recipe for myself. In case you haven't already figured, I like to be the best at things. Its an endearing trait, really. Competitive in the nicest possible way.
So here's my recipe, and to allow myself to continue to beleive I cook it the best, I'm deliberately making it a little 'vague'. A good cook will nut the rest out themselves, and do my chicken pie justice :)

In a pan, fry 2 of each of the following: 2 leeks, 2 onions, 2 carrots, 2 celery sticks and 2 chicken breasts. Flavour with herbs of your choice.
Make a roux with about 1tbs each of butter and flour. Add 150 ml each of hot milk and hot chicken stock and thicken. Stir in 150ml of double cream (thats right, double. Yum.)
Add the sauce to the pan and let the entire mix cool. make it into a pie with puff pastry and bake.

There it is. Not hard, not fancy, but sooooo good.

One hint, before serving check for runniness.... I cooked my first one for ages, I worried that it was overcooked but it was perfect. My second one was cooked for what should have been a more appropriate time, but it turned out too sloppy.

NEWSFLASH: My nemesis hasn't posted for 3 weeks.... I reckon she's seen how much better my blog is and stopped writing. What a pussy... she'd rather give up than be beaten. I'm absolutely sure it has nothing to do with her new life in her new country with her new job and new apartment etc

Disclaimer: By reading this you have agreed to follow my blog if you don't already, post comments and tell all your friends how wonderful I am for sharing this recipe...

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Red Wine Lipstick

I’ve taken to drinking red wine from my Simpson’s glasses. They’re wide enough to let the wine breathe, sturdy enough to withstand any drunken smishes against walls and furniture, but most importantly they make me smile with their cartoon faces so any potential alcohol induced depressions are quickly assuaged with every sip (skull).

The fact that all my wine glasses are dirty and neither party in the house is willing or motivated enough to do the dishes is irrelevant. Simpsons cups are my choice of chalice...

Other fantastic things this week to make my red wine stained lips crack a smile...

Blog followers:
I commented on a worthy post and invited the writer to check out my blog. Three truly wonderous beings have subsequently commented on my blog, two have started to 'follow’ it and I now have a chance to make my mark on the ‘blogosphere’ in the company of talented souls and like minded intellects.

Sneezing Baby Panda:
Best you-tube clip ever. Laughed so much I cried. Showed the boy and we both laughed until we had pains in our tummies. We then watched it again, and again watched it the next day. My new high...
Just watched it again then to get the link... and woke the boyfriend from his snores with my donkey like fits of noise.

Better blogs:
I crush on the term “I crush on”. I discovered this terminology during my six hour long click fest through the sites of my new found cyber friends. I now crush on many bloggers, too many to keep up with on my reading list.... Clearly my dearest nemesis 'blog soapie star' has a lot to learn... alas, she is too busy living her awesome life to learn it. Only a matter of time before I take the title... *insert evil laugh here*

New fish:
The boyfriend and I bought new fish on Sunday, pretty ones that distract me from my writing. lucky I’m ang awesone typidt and can type while lookinf e;sewhere. In fact I 'n tupinf this wholw parafrafh gaxing into my fisj tak insteas of at my finder sor the screen. I love my fisj xp

SPOILER ALERT: Hate to excite you all or spoil a surprise, but the Best Ever Chicken Pie recipe will be posted within next week due to popular demand :)

Saturday, June 12, 2010

I'm not jealous, what a shock.

My nemesis has moved countries again. She got the first job she applied for, then spent a few days exploring the city with her foreign boyfriend. They ate at fancy restaurants, saw all the main tourist attractions, rubbed shoulders with the rich and famous and had picnics in famous parks. They got to know their new neighbourhood and found a great street stall market right down the road. Apparently they also fell in love all over again.

I'm happy for her. Really, I am. I've put away my green contact lenses, because my last few days have also been fantastic...

I put in a great few days of work and although there is no one to give me any recognition, I left each day feeling quite proud of myself.

I cooked my first ever Chicken Pie, and the boyfriend declared it was the Best Chicken Pie Ever. He even let his mate have a taste as he arrived at the end of the meal, and the vote was unanimous. I must admit, it was a tasty pie.

But my definite highlight was my weekly solitary early morning walk through the paddocks to the creek with my camera. It was the second frost for the year. I didn't put on a coat and was freezing by the time I got to the gate, but the morning air was so clear and crisp and the birds were extra chirpy, so it was worth the icy fingers and nose.

I climbed through the fence with one electric wire and felt a rush of panic when I brushed it with my leg. No shock. It was turned off. What a beautiful morning.

I spent an hour at the creek, wandering up and down the banks, exploring fallen trees and taking the best shots I could to add to my collection of 300+ creek, tree and paddock photos that sit idle on my hard drive. By the time my camera ran out of batteries my pants and socks were covered in bindies and prickles and the my boots were filled with icy water. My footsteps had become audible sloshes. Damp feet, but still no damp spirits. Time to head home...

I felt no fear tackling the fence with the electric wire again. But as I stepped through....
the world shifted on its axis. I heard myself make the most bizarre noise, half way between a cows moo and a cat in a fight. The inside of my left thigh caught on fire. I felt my blood coursing through every individual artery, vein and capillary in my body. None of these things caused me any pain.

I stood still for what seemed like an eternity. My heart was still racing as I comprehended what had just happened. Every sense in my body was on high alert and every movement and thought was brilliantly exaggerated.

The buzz lasted all morning. So far every one I have told has stared at me as if I was in mild psychosis... and maybe I was. Maybe I still am... but what a rush!

I wonder how I'll feel when its time to cross the fence again next week. Or maybe I'll get the motivation to get out of bed at a ridiculous hour during the week, in search of the high again. Better than any other high I reckon... I've never heard of an "Electric Shock-aholic's Anonymous".

FYI... my blog has been read. I got up the courage to show the boyfriend and to my surprise he said it was okay. Best week ever.

Monday, June 7, 2010

So this blog thing is harder than I thought...

Okay. I was wondering what would be worse out of 'the embarrassment of people reading my blog' or 'having nothing interesting enough to get readers'. Right now, as far as I know, I have no readers, so its hard to tell....

Spent the last two days browsing other peoples blogs and trying to find out how to make people read mine. Still have no answers, and still have no readers. But I did find out a few things:

If I see one more blog about a baby I will vomit. Not saying those blogs aren't good blogs, if you're a family member or if you're having a baby or if you're just into that kind of voyeurism. But I'm not.
The more of them I saw, the more jealous I got and the more I wanted to have my own babies so I would have something to write about.
I'm fairly sure the family, the boyfriend, the boyfriends family and the potential baby wouldn't appreciate 'blog fodder' as an acceptable reason to deliberately procreate.

You can add things to your blog page to make them more interesting.
I have added a fishy thing to my page, kind of lame, but its fish, and this is the fish cave, so its there. Please tell me if there are better ones to add.

Some people have great blogs, even better than my nemesis the 'blog-soapie-star'. These people have hundreds of followers, and they deserve them. I will list them here, once I find a way to direct traffic to my page by listing them. If you are reading this and you know how, please tell me.

I've also heard of the 'hit counter', though I can't find it to add it. At least if I had a hit counter I could tell if no-one ever came to the site, or even worse, if people were reading and choosing to stay as far away as cyberspacely possible....

In the meantime, could the beings that control Cyberspace please send some readers my way... they don't have to stay, but it would be nice to get a comment, just to know my writing is not lost in the etherworld forever and ever.....

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Hello Cyberspace!

I've finally done it. Spent an hour setting up a blog with no idea of what I'm going to write or how to write it. And I'm terrified at the two possible outcomes: rejection if no one reads it or embarrassment if people do.

So why am I blogging?
Competitiveness of course!

I follow the blog of an old acquaintance, and I have become addicted to it like a soap opera. I live vicariously through her wild parties, romantic liaisons and exotic career choices. I cry when her endeavours fail, pine when she's homesick and get angry when someone ticks her off.
I log on daily and get a buzz of excitement when I find a new post, or curse her name if she's been away from the keyboard too long. It helps to think of it as a soapie, because I'm horribly jealous and kicking myself for not living that life as well. She is on the opposite side of the world, and her life seems to be the complete opposite of mine.

Making an interesting blog must be so easy for her! She's travelling to the corners of the globe, meeting amazing people and doing her bit to make the world a better place... When you compare my life to that, what chance do I have of writing anything entertaining?
The odds appear to be stacked high against me, but I'm ready for the challenge. I'm working on the philosophy "if you can't join 'em, beat 'em". I can't pack up my life and travel, but I can do this writing thing, and

I will topple her from the heights of blog soapie stardom!

So, Cyberspace, or Dear Reader, if you have stumbled upon this page by accident, please make me feel welcome. Give me hints and tips, ask me questions about anything, or tell me to read your blog and we'll put up with each others boring lives just to say we each have a reader....

.......and may my computer be struck with an irreparable virus if my posts are truly awful.